"How you gonna win when you ain't right within?"
I look at this blog and where it came from and where it is now, and it's a true reflection of the twist and turns my life has taken over the years. I would say that every moment that I blogged, was who I was at that moment, whether it's be vulnerable, materialistic and even confused. One lesson I've learned is that all of the mask that we wear can't disguise unhappiness, loneliness, insecurity and fear. The other day, I was listening to Pandora and Lauryn Hill's Doo Wop song came on, and there are so many powerful lessons to be learned, in the lyrics of that song. At the time when that tune came out, I was only 19 years old. I felt like everything she sang about in that song was written for me and about me. I ran from one unhealthy relationship to another, partying almost every night of the week, skipping classes to hang with my friends, and at that moment, I felt like life couldn't get any better than this. I never realized that all I was doing was masking all the pain that I held inside. If I wore nice clothes on my body, applied expensive makeup and drive around in the latest car, somehow, people would see pass the insecurity, and many of them did, but what was important wasn't what others saw in me, but what I saw in myself. I'm still struggling with the effects of the many masks that I wore, over the years. It reaches to a point where sometimes, you don't know who you are anymore, because the disguises have overshadowed your true beauty, the beauty that some asshole told you, wasn't good enough. Happiness has no price tag. All the clothes, money, makeup, will never camouflage unhappiness. If you don't begin to heal the pain that you carry under all those expensive garments, you will eventually have a breakdown. A breakdown is not necessarily a bad thing, but people around you, may use it, to their advantage and your disadvantage. As we come to an end of 2013, I'm beginning to see a grassroots movement of people wanting to inspire themselves and the people around them. While I'm learning to heal my old wounds, I find it easier when you do it around others that have been through it, going through it, or willing to help you break through it. The world is a beautiful place, but many of us are surrounded, around the ugliness, that we have no clue, that flowers are blooming, on the other side.